My hair hurts!! Yes, my hair... and my toe nails... and well, everything else. Some days no matter what meds I take or what I try to do, there is no answer for the pain. It's almost midnight, Kristina is asleep on her side of the bed and Jet and Leila are having puppy dreams between us. I, on the other hand, am sitting here with two TENS (Transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation) units strapped to my legs and back in an attempt to reduce the pain enough to sleep. They use electrical current to stimulate nerve endings and help treat chronic pain. They help the pain some, but only for short periods of time. I still feel blessed to have them. I'm writing tonight because I am frustrated and rather than allow it to fester and continue into tomorrow I want to see if I can spill it all out and clean the slate. It feels like a really bad flu... all day everyday. I used to be active. I went to the gym at least once a day. I ran. I lifted. I trained. Now... I sit... I hurt... I complain. As Kristina would tell you, I am not the man she married. She's right. Right now I am a shell of the man I once was. But, I will never give up.
A few weeks ago, after over two years, I admitted defeat. I admitted that that my health problems had taken me over. That acceptance opened the door for me to regroup and begin being positive and proactive. It isn't easy and I don't expect that it will ever be easy. But, nothing in life worth having comes easy.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Loss of my Compassion
In one of our recent arguments, my wife told me that I was judgmental and cold towards everybody and everything... I am paraphrasing. My initial stubborn response was that she was imagining things and creating things to blame on me... I happen to be very stubborn. As I spent some time thinking about what she said I came to realize that she was actually very right. Now, a lot of the things I say that are "judgmental" are meant jokingly... you know... I comment on: mullet wearing white trash, obese woman on the hoover round that would benefit from some walking, or almost anybody at a rural Wal-Mart. I bet just the thought of those things make most of us chuckle. Where my wife was correct was that I haven't been doing this to a person here and there, I was looking at everybody in this way. It didn't matter if it was someone at the store, on the street or even people on TV. I'd often find myself commenting in some negative way. I spent some time thinking about this and spent more time trying to look up possible explanations. I found a little here and there but nothing seemed to hit the nail right on the head.
A few days later I was talking to one of my buddies who is having similar marital problems. In the course of his venting he makes the comment that his wife says that "he has no compassion anymore, since he got home." This lit a light bulb in my head. My buddy is also an Infantryman and spent time in Afghanistan before he was severely wounded and MEDIVAC'd home to get better. Later that day I started looking into combat/war zone stress and PTSD to see if there was any mention of these types of things. I came across blogs and comments of a lot of soldiers that talked about how they were dealing with the same things once they returned home. I read a great deal on PTSD, Compassion Fatigue, and the emotional effects of war.
"Will he ever find peace here on this earth?
Before death's fingers encircle his throat
Or will peace remain just beyond his girth
Abandoning him eternally to a land remote" -
Nancy L. Meek, in the poem 'The Sacrifice'
A Warriors Sacrifice
Many of my brothers and sisters have paid the ultimate sacrifice of their lives. Others have given arms or legs, eyesight or hearing and others of us have paid with something far less visible or understood.
When at war you see things most people are lucky enough to never have to see. With today's brand of war and the type of enemies we are facing, war is especially gruesome. Our enemy follows no honorable guidelines and will kill in whatever way they can. They hide and set off hidden bombs as soldiers pass by, they blend into groups of civilians acting as if they support the cause, they recruit women and children or use them as human shields. Some of us wonder why we are even over there... until you see the oppression that so many of these people face. Then you see the enemy... who have been brain washed to believe that the only purpose they serve in life is to kill anyone that isn't Muslim. If we weren't over there finding them they'd be over here plotting ways to kill innocent Americans. I love my country. I love my family. I love my wife [and dogs]. I will gladly risk my life to protect the lives and freedoms of my loved ones, as well as the land I call home.
The stress of a war zone is there for everyone in theater. You're away from home, your family, everything familiar. No matter where you are you face the possibility of an attack, and for most that is ever present in your subconscious. Then there are the combat soldiers; those that face more than a possibility of attack. It's more like a certainty. Battle becomes a new norm for us, part of our daily routine. It's what we have trained hard to be the best at... professional warriors... professional killers. While at war you find yourself having the need to act without a second thought and immediately use everything you've trained for. It's their lives or yours and your buddies. In order to stay sane you have to change the way you think, the way you feel... you have to change who you are. You can not allow yourself to think of them as people. One second of weakness... one moment of compassion... might end up being your last. BREATHE, AIM, SQUEEZE, FOLLOW THROUGH.... Move on.
A few days later I was talking to one of my buddies who is having similar marital problems. In the course of his venting he makes the comment that his wife says that "he has no compassion anymore, since he got home." This lit a light bulb in my head. My buddy is also an Infantryman and spent time in Afghanistan before he was severely wounded and MEDIVAC'd home to get better. Later that day I started looking into combat/war zone stress and PTSD to see if there was any mention of these types of things. I came across blogs and comments of a lot of soldiers that talked about how they were dealing with the same things once they returned home. I read a great deal on PTSD, Compassion Fatigue, and the emotional effects of war.
"Will he ever find peace here on this earth?
Before death's fingers encircle his throat
Or will peace remain just beyond his girth
Abandoning him eternally to a land remote" -
Nancy L. Meek, in the poem 'The Sacrifice'
A Warriors Sacrifice
Many of my brothers and sisters have paid the ultimate sacrifice of their lives. Others have given arms or legs, eyesight or hearing and others of us have paid with something far less visible or understood.
When at war you see things most people are lucky enough to never have to see. With today's brand of war and the type of enemies we are facing, war is especially gruesome. Our enemy follows no honorable guidelines and will kill in whatever way they can. They hide and set off hidden bombs as soldiers pass by, they blend into groups of civilians acting as if they support the cause, they recruit women and children or use them as human shields. Some of us wonder why we are even over there... until you see the oppression that so many of these people face. Then you see the enemy... who have been brain washed to believe that the only purpose they serve in life is to kill anyone that isn't Muslim. If we weren't over there finding them they'd be over here plotting ways to kill innocent Americans. I love my country. I love my family. I love my wife [and dogs]. I will gladly risk my life to protect the lives and freedoms of my loved ones, as well as the land I call home.
The stress of a war zone is there for everyone in theater. You're away from home, your family, everything familiar. No matter where you are you face the possibility of an attack, and for most that is ever present in your subconscious. Then there are the combat soldiers; those that face more than a possibility of attack. It's more like a certainty. Battle becomes a new norm for us, part of our daily routine. It's what we have trained hard to be the best at... professional warriors... professional killers. While at war you find yourself having the need to act without a second thought and immediately use everything you've trained for. It's their lives or yours and your buddies. In order to stay sane you have to change the way you think, the way you feel... you have to change who you are. You can not allow yourself to think of them as people. One second of weakness... one moment of compassion... might end up being your last. BREATHE, AIM, SQUEEZE, FOLLOW THROUGH.... Move on.
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