Sometimes it's just too late...

After 3 years of marriage, my wife and I separated only 2 days after our 3rd anniversary.  Though, I am pretty sure she was done long before this point.  Rather than sit here and write about what she did wrong and play a blame game, because both of us did plenty of wrong.  I want to look at this from a perspective of where my health came into play to damage our relationship.  I have spent so many years of my life learning from my mistakes.  At some point you have to stop making mistakes to learn from.  Hindsight is 20/20 and there are no time machines to go back and make your wrongs right.  I hate where this road has taken my life.  Because I will be honest, I loved her more than anything.  But, when I got back from Afghanistan, I lived inside of a shell.  I was emotionally detached, irritable and not physical at all...  all during what are supposed to be some of the most active years of your marriage, sexually.  She took my lack of intimacy as me not being attracted to her... and when she told me this I took it as a shot at my masculinity.  I cringe at the immaturity and stubbornness that I showed towards her, all provoked by this new defensive attitude I had developed.  I wanted to be a functional and loving husband like she deserved but I stayed in the pain-filled shell.  I paced anxiously back and forth inside this shell day in and day out for 2 years.   When one thing would get better something else would cause a problem.  I pushed and pushed and pushed her away from me until she no longer wanted to try to get close.  The PTSD and chronic pain controlled all aspects of my life, they consumed who I was.  I know that I haven't been myself in a long time and as I started to pull myself out of this deep dark hole and reach for her hand she pulled hers back.  She was done.  She had enough of my pain, causing her pain.  I thought I was going to be able to go into this far more in depth, but this wound is still wide open and I just can't bare to rub salt into it.  There are a million and one things that I would do differently if I had the last 3 years to do over again...   But that's not how the world works.  Sometimes you can't wake up from that nightmare.

PAIN!! I can't sleep thanks to the pain.

  My hair hurts!!  Yes, my hair...  and my toe nails...  and well, everything else.  Some days no matter what meds I take or what I try to do, there is no answer for the pain.  It's almost midnight, Kristina is asleep on her side of the bed and Jet and Leila are having puppy dreams between us.  I, on the other hand, am sitting here with two TENS (Transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation) units strapped to my legs and back in an attempt to reduce the pain enough to sleep.  They use electrical current to stimulate nerve endings and help treat chronic pain.  They help the pain some, but only for short periods of time.  I still feel blessed to have them.  I'm writing tonight because I am frustrated and rather than allow it to fester and continue into tomorrow I want to see if I can spill it all out and clean the slate.  It feels like a really bad flu...  all day everyday.  I used to be active.  I went to the gym at least once a day.  I ran. I lifted.  I trained.  Now...  I sit...  I hurt...  I complain.  As Kristina would tell you, I am not the man she married.  She's right.  Right now I am a shell of the man I once was.  But, I will never give up.

   A few weeks ago, after over two years, I admitted defeat.  I admitted that that my health problems had taken me over.  That acceptance opened the door for me to regroup and begin being positive and proactive.  It isn't easy and I don't expect that it will ever be easy.  But, nothing in life worth having comes easy. 
  

Loss of my Compassion

   In one of our recent arguments, my wife told me that I was judgmental and cold towards everybody and everything... I am paraphrasing.  My initial stubborn response was that she was imagining things and creating things to blame on me...  I happen to be very stubborn.  As I spent some time thinking about what she said I came to realize that she was actually very right.  Now, a lot of the things I say that are "judgmental" are meant jokingly...  you know... I comment on: mullet wearing white trash, obese woman on the hoover round that would benefit from some walking, or almost anybody at a rural Wal-Mart.  I bet just the thought of those things make most of us chuckle.  Where my wife was correct was that I haven't been doing this to a person here and there, I was looking at everybody in this way.  It didn't matter if it was someone at the store, on the street or even people on TV.  I'd often find myself commenting in some negative way.  I spent some time thinking about this and spent more time trying to look up possible explanations.  I found a little here and there but nothing seemed to hit the nail right on the head.

  A few days later I was talking to one of my buddies who is having similar marital problems. In the course of his venting he makes the comment that his wife says that "he has no compassion anymore, since he got home."   This lit a light bulb in my head.  My buddy is also an Infantryman and spent time in Afghanistan before he was severely wounded and MEDIVAC'd home to get better.  Later that day I started looking into combat/war zone stress and PTSD to see if there was any mention of these types of things.  I came across blogs and comments of a lot of soldiers that talked about how they were dealing with the same things once they returned home.  I read a great deal on PTSD, Compassion Fatigue, and the emotional effects of war.

"Will he ever find peace here on this earth?
Before death's fingers encircle his throat
Or will peace remain just beyond his girth
Abandoning him eternally to a land remote" -
Nancy L. Meek, in the poem 'The Sacrifice'

   A Warriors Sacrifice
  Many of my brothers and sisters have paid the ultimate sacrifice of their lives. Others have given arms or legs, eyesight or hearing and others of us have paid with something far less visible or understood.
   When at war you see things most people are lucky enough to never have to see.  With today's brand of war and the type of enemies we are facing, war is especially gruesome.  Our enemy follows no honorable guidelines and will kill in whatever way they can.  They hide and set off hidden bombs as soldiers pass by, they blend into groups of civilians acting as if they support the cause, they recruit women and children or use them as human shields.  Some of us wonder why we are even over there... until you see the oppression that so many of these people face.  Then you see the enemy... who have been brain washed to believe that the only purpose they serve in life is to kill anyone that isn't Muslim.  If we weren't over there finding them they'd be over here plotting ways to kill innocent Americans.  I love my country.  I love my family. I love my wife [and dogs]. I will gladly risk my life to protect the lives and freedoms of my loved ones, as well as the land I call home. 
   The stress of a war zone is there for everyone in theater.  You're away from home, your family, everything familiar.  No matter where you are you face the possibility of an attack, and for most that is ever present in your subconscious.  Then there are the combat soldiers; those that face more than a possibility of attack.  It's more like a certainty.  Battle becomes a new norm for us, part of our daily routine.  It's what we have trained hard to be the best at... professional warriors... professional killers.  While at war you find yourself having the need to act without a second thought and immediately use everything you've trained for.  It's their lives or yours and your buddies.  In order to stay sane you have to change the way you think, the way you feel... you have to change who you are.  You can not allow yourself to think of them as people.  One second of weakness... one moment of compassion... might end up being your last.  BREATHE, AIM, SQUEEZE, FOLLOW THROUGH....  Move on.

  

Starting Over and Switching it Up

   About a year ago I started a blog that was going to address ways to lose weight when you have a Hypothyroid disorder, like Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (which I suffer from).  For those that do not know what those are you can find out more in these links: Hashimoto's Disease & Hypothyroidism. Basically, hypothyroidism causes all your body's metabolic functions to be slower and inefficient.  Losing weight has become very difficult, gaining weight very easy, my energy levels have decreased, and getting going in the morning is nearly impossible, just to address a few of the symptoms I was dealing with. 


   Well, before I could get myself moving forward on the blog I was diagnosed with something called Fibromyalgia. This disorder has some of the same symptoms of hypothroidism but also includes widespread muscular pain and fatigue...  it kind of reminds me of having the flu, without a fever, 24/7.  Apparently, this was caused by trauma to the nerves in my spine from when I injured my back and continued to fight through the pain while being an Infantryman and deploying to Afghanistan.
Not too long after that diagnosis I started having problems with my kidneys, as well.  Though, I have not been given an actual diagnosis on this, probably, because blood tests aren't showing the same levels of negative results that my urinalysis' are.

   So at this point over the course of 2 years I have been diagnosed with:
      Herniated Disc L4/L5 - Requiring Nerve Root Disc Decompression Surgery
      Spondylolisthesis L5/S1, L3/L4, L2/L3 aka. slipped discs - Just deal with it because a fusion has           a low success rate   
      Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - Medications for life
      Fibromyalgia -  Medications
      Kidney's - Medications and monitor
      Combat Anxiety Disorder/PTSD - Medications and Counseling

    When the Hashimoto's was found I was in Afghanistan and my TSH was at dangerous levels.  I was MEDIVAC'd out of theater and to Germany where they decided to send me to Ft. Bragg rather than back to Colorado because my wife, Kristina, would be closer.  This was a blessing and I was so excited to get to start my life with a woman that I loved more than anything. We were newlyweds that hadn't lived together yet in our 10 months of marriage.  So, we were faced with not only the challenge of being newlyweds, learning each others habits and adjusting to the married lifestyle. But, we were also faced with the test of dealing with my illness and injuries.  It has been just over two years since I returned home and my health issues have caused problems in all areas of my life.   This has become one of the most demanding battles of my life.



  
   I am writing this blog as a sort of journal that will help me with stress management and self-exploration.  I hope to get my thoughts out and hopefully learn where I have gone wrong and where I can improve as a person.  I'd also like to include different techniques that I learn to fight the health problems and weight issues that I face on a daily basis.  If you know me, you know that I used to be very passionate about fitness and was a very active person. So, I will also include posts that talk about fitness and nutrition.  I welcome any comments and advice, no matter what opinion you might have. 


Your lifestyle - how you live, eat, emote, and think - determines your health. To prevent disease, you may have to change how you live.”  -Brian Carter