Sometimes it's just too late...

After 3 years of marriage, my wife and I separated only 2 days after our 3rd anniversary.  Though, I am pretty sure she was done long before this point.  Rather than sit here and write about what she did wrong and play a blame game, because both of us did plenty of wrong.  I want to look at this from a perspective of where my health came into play to damage our relationship.  I have spent so many years of my life learning from my mistakes.  At some point you have to stop making mistakes to learn from.  Hindsight is 20/20 and there are no time machines to go back and make your wrongs right.  I hate where this road has taken my life.  Because I will be honest, I loved her more than anything.  But, when I got back from Afghanistan, I lived inside of a shell.  I was emotionally detached, irritable and not physical at all...  all during what are supposed to be some of the most active years of your marriage, sexually.  She took my lack of intimacy as me not being attracted to her... and when she told me this I took it as a shot at my masculinity.  I cringe at the immaturity and stubbornness that I showed towards her, all provoked by this new defensive attitude I had developed.  I wanted to be a functional and loving husband like she deserved but I stayed in the pain-filled shell.  I paced anxiously back and forth inside this shell day in and day out for 2 years.   When one thing would get better something else would cause a problem.  I pushed and pushed and pushed her away from me until she no longer wanted to try to get close.  The PTSD and chronic pain controlled all aspects of my life, they consumed who I was.  I know that I haven't been myself in a long time and as I started to pull myself out of this deep dark hole and reach for her hand she pulled hers back.  She was done.  She had enough of my pain, causing her pain.  I thought I was going to be able to go into this far more in depth, but this wound is still wide open and I just can't bare to rub salt into it.  There are a million and one things that I would do differently if I had the last 3 years to do over again...   But that's not how the world works.  Sometimes you can't wake up from that nightmare.